I was thinking what’s my actual dreams, “actual” because it’s like I’ve been saying I wanna do this, I’ll be this in future…*dadadadada* and I didn’t really carry out any actions to make it happen. Then i recalled I have this crazy ambition since young, I wanna be a singer, a successful one. I know it’s like crazy talk because I don’t own an amazing, breathtaking voice. I wanna be a singer because…I guess I just love singing. If you would read my mind, every single thing I see I would relate them to the lyrics in the songs, the feelings I had and have, in the past and current, I can link all of them to songs. & at home, I sing, when im doing work, bathing, even to stylus!

Another “between realistic and non realistic” ambition of mine, is actually be an artist, the kind you pick up a pencil and draw on a paper. Maybe I can do some oil paintings, charcoal drawings or using whatever mediums. This is the reason why I chose Art over D&T in high sch, thinking that decision is getting me closer to THAT ambition. However after my ‘O’s I didn’t really continue intensively on drawing and stuff. After getting into poly, from time to time I did have chances to draw a little something be it for school works or my friends, but not really drawing drawing kind. Actually I regret deeply not being determine and went with Apparel Design, but oh well.. I did make great friends in my current course didn’t I? (;

So now, I’ve decided, and I hope I won’t stop halfway or not even halfway for whatever reasons. I will take chances when there are for me when it comes to fulfilling my singer dream. If there isn’t any chances, I swear I’ll find the chances myself when everything else are doing great.

But right now, being an artist seems to be more possible, okay maybe is not really possible but is something I can work on more, practically. Right now I actually drew something randomly halfway. I’m starting to draw, as in like I’ll try make it everyday, go buy a smaller drawing pad so I can bring it everywhere.

I know this is another crazy talk, an insane one, but i do actually would want to be a tattoo artist. Read up and research about it all this while and it stoked me. Really would want to put my drawings on someone’s body someday. It’ll be damn, really freaking awesome amazing *whatever astonishing words to be inserted*. While I’m researching on various tattoo artists I focus more on their paperworks, their paintings and stuffs, & those are so fucking awesome. It’s still art end of the day. So mom, I’ve been telling you this, and I’m saying it again, stop being so skeptical about tattoos means bad. On this note, yes I perfectly “pure” now, and yes, I would want to be inked in future(:

I’m just into flash, bbt, high voltage and all these shits. Maybe not as bright as THIS red. If I have any extra cash I want to get that Japanese style bed like this:

Okay maybe my room can’t fit this size, will find a smaller one, I remember seeing one at the warehouse. Then of course mosquito net hovering the bed, I know there’s like no mosquitoes at home but this is a must, you can get them at Ikea. Lastly to fill the remain vast spaces on the walls, will be graffiti and photos, so getting Polaroid is also part of the plan. For the table and shelves, will be placing my since-long-time-ago collected figurines, toys and little things. Gotto spring clean the house, adios!

P.S: For the painting part anyone wants to help me with it? I can treat you eat afterwards. Actually I will also demand help from good friends around, because they are GOOD what

Didn’t expect that, though is obviously. Bumped into dad, the last meeting didn’t end well. No, no more hard feelings. Everyone make mistakes, everyone are being human beings. He became so much thinner, so much older, it breaks my heart. Regardless, he’s still dad, my dad. Everytime chance upon him, he will be asking about my studies and just.. about me. Maybe there ain’t enough time, maybe is he keep asking… I realized i never once ask about him, how’s he doing, how’s this or that. But then again maybe i just don’t know how to start asking, words just stuck in my throat. Such simple thing but yet.. ironic hur. I know, i understand we 3 kids are one of the problems. So now I’m trying to make things better, i want to help out to make this current family a better place, i want to do the same for dad as well. I already missed him out in most tragic part of my current life and this part is the part where a lot of precious moments and lessons taught. I don’t want to miss him out in my later part. I know things should not rush but i just want to accomplish them so badly because shits happened and i realized that time is really precious, I’m afraid i’ll miss my chances, to do certain things to certain people. End of the day, I just want them to know I love them with all my heart. Family and friends, they make me who i am now and still striving for the better.

P.S: I hope daddy sees this, so he’ll know and waits for me.

It’s 5:15am, but damn, it feels like 2 in the morning. Body clock screwed damn well, thanks. Last week of term break already but who gives a damn, so oh well. My left ear bone piercing is having this annoying infection for days already, but you know, I’m the “ai swee mai mia” kind of person so I still stubbornly keep wearing my fake bling stud(fyi, it not the fake stud problem), need to get that alcohol later soon. Talking about piercing, I’m so tempted to get like a tongue right now, but is so overrated and I know it’s definitely my teenage brain working on me.

Days went by, things slowly sorting out by itself/selves. All I can say now will be.. it’s mourning period for me. In one day, 24 hours, every moment is different. First getting all cite about something, then angst about stuffs, suddenly becoming all down and emotional. I’m just lost for awhile now and then.. but I know things will worked out by themselves soon enough.

2011 is coming to an end, every year is the same thing isn’t it? People will look back thinking how stupid they were and swore they will be better, yes, some did do better but some just remain the same or became worse. Idk for me, I did changed, but I can’t decide for the better or worse.  New year! Sure comes New Year’s resolution, I haven thought of a specific one but I did do a short “Things I want/need” list, realize the “want” comes before “need”? See what I did there? Anyway the “*” are things I want to achieve badly by 2012 and are important.

For the tattoos part, maybe you’ll say “You are following the trend.” “It’s just your youth thought.” Maybe it is, but I just wanna do things I like at least once in my whole lifetime. Life’s short sweetheart, real short. Whatever it is, I thought of quotes like “Everything will be alright, it’s just the matter of time.”(btw this is my fav quote so far) or “Live, Love, Fight”(but this quote is so common-.-) to be inked on my entire wrist or maybe on my foot, back or ribs? Neck will be a icon or something. It’s not meaningless, all these quotes thing is what I relate to whatever had happened and is happening to me. I don’t know all these are thoughts, I’m thinking aloud. That’s what I can do for now, here. Alright, will be heading gym with nadiah later on. Been long time since I ran, let’s go.

P.S: I just can’t bring things up to people, like that :l

There are people in my life I don’t want to lose. Goes without saying, Babehs, those come to mind, Gracia Tian Ster Jong TPY CY. For that special one who just disappear like that, ciaos. Sudden flashback, you Mr Disappeared, I’m smiling/laughing how I *cough* crushed on you, that’s really some funny memories. People always say those who know you the best are your high school friends, it’s true, believe it.

Another group of them of course zais. Teo, Seow, Neo, Lee, Ong, Tan. Come to think about it, kind of abrupt how I come meeting each and every one of them. No attendance for orientation camp, late for the first day of sch and BAM I just suddenly got to know them and got closer as the year passed. Things happened, good ones, bad ones, but what I remember are the moments we spent, can barely remember what we actually did, just the times we are beside one and another. So if Stalker Seow and Teo you two are reading this, you know la.

After the trip to Cambodia, alot of things seem to happen, they say you learn before going into the exam hall but in life you take the test before learning anything. If I were to put it that way, I took a hell of an exam during the period till now. No matter what shit happens to me, I still feel blessed and lucky end of the day. Thank you for teaching me how to look at things in a different way, thank you guys for being friends sticking with me till whatever, thank you for being my mom, thank you two for being such lovable and hate-able brothers, thank you for licking my tears away. It’s like out of the sudden I realized alot of things, I need to cherish, I need to express, I need to myself.

My arguments with mom? Will still continue, but this time round, no running away from it. Yes, I shouldn’t have. Always linger around the outside world, feeding mosquitoes, fretting over dying phone. Thought through, somewhat thoroughly. She wants to argue, okay, I will come home and argue with her. Anytime, any place, 24/7. It continue till I’m ready.

All these crying, avoiding, honestly, I think it’s childish. Not like I’m mature or whatsoever. But really wasting time, it’s so hassling others as well, which I personally don’t like because it’s like owing people favors.

As for you, I know high percentage of you having a little bit of thing for me is like NAH. But you know what, I’m just going to tell you anyway. I have a thing for you. Yes, you. I cannot tell you exactly when. & seriously I don’t know what are we. When you want things to stop, please tell me. You told me not to put in “so much” but what is “so much”, idk.

So in general, new sem 2.2, gonna live it totally different from previous, hopefully. Do it well, go get it. Anyway I’m just 18, okay maybe not yet, 18 you know. An age whereby you can do stupid things, talk craps, live like there’s no tomorrow. You get what I mean right. So, do things? Bring your balls out and do it. Yes, for the ladies too.

Awesome time being alone at home. No noise, just me and Stylus. To be honest, if it isn’t for Stylus, I won’t stay here. I will live outside, perhaps with friends or just rent a room. I will still come home and help you with house chores and shits, because I know it’s my job. Fighting, quarreling, everyday, what’s the point? Ain’t suppose to be happier without daddy? Apparently not… Mentioning about daddy, I will never forget the days you blame me for standing up for dad, it’s not like I’m totally bias towards him. I stood up for you too, you just didn’t realize that. Maybe you did, but you don’t say about it. I hate this, your fucking attitude, you always mention the bad sides, good sides you never utter a word about it. This is why I don’t like to be at home, this dislike feeling gets stronger when my room is rented out and I have to share the bed with you. I’m not complaining that I have to share a room with you…do you realize I’m always in the living room? No matter how many times you told me to go in the room to sleep. Time check: 7:44pm, someone from this family gonna be back soon. Damian, Daniel, you. Maybe because of all these shits, my character is like this, I don’t talk alot anymore, you don’t see the real expressions on my face. All this shits? I’ve learn that I need to appear stronger than anybody. You cannot allow others to have the pitiful eyes on you. There are actually still alot more for me to rant, but i guess it’s enough for now.